Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Randomize
