Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
