Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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