Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I AM VODKA MAN
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
