Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
