Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
