the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's shark week go big or go home
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
