Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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