How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
