is your mom at the bar?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
