he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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