That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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