I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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