i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
