I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
