Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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