"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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