She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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