The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You may now shotgun with the bride
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
