Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
