The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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