I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
