This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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