is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
