she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
