I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
