we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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