don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
