I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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