considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
