Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
