Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
