yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I need moral support for this bender
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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