I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
