a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
