I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
