Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
