I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
