What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
