I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
