mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
