Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
