Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
