There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
