totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
