I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
