sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
