When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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