I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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