Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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