I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
