On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
