when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
